Category: Random Thoughts

Why…

Shuyeb – We talk every day and about everything. And I guess like most people in love – we do say those three special words often enough.. But sometimes on special days like this Valentine’s Day I think it is important to explain why I love you.

In short I love you for what you are and what you have brought to my life. But over the last 12 years I have found more reasons to love you and here’s only a few of them….

I love you for being the young man those many, many years ago who believed in himself and me and that we can make a good life together. Even though I had my doubts – I love you for trusting in US and giving me such a nice family.

I love you for letting me, be me….from Day 1 till date… I own my past and my present with pride like no other – because of you. You never make me feel embarrassed or make me regret the mistakes I have made in my past. Whether it is a broken friendship, lost love, a job I failed to finish – you are always the person I can discuss my feelings with and my frustrations.
You always let me fight my own battles yet help me each and every time I need you. I feel free and incredibly independent; even though I know exactly how much I depend on you… so I love you for always supporting me and being the catalyst of my progress in life.

I love you for teaching me the value and the real meaning of honesty and integrity. Because you are the only man I know who goes back to a shop after months to pay for the items shop assistant forgot to scan and you just happened to notice it while throwing away old receipts!

I love you for teaching me to look into the good of others no matter how bad things go (even though I still haven’t learned it completely). I try to understand how you are always so nice with everyone and how you never lose your temper – so I love you for teaching me to look at things from someone else’s eyes when things don’t go my ways all the time.

I love you for being such a selfless man. Only crazy people jumps into the water to save a child even when they don’t know how to swim – but I love you for being so crazy and saving that little girl’s life that day. I also I love you for being the man who takes out credit card loans to lend to people in desperate need even though you got no savings of your own and will actually have to pay interest on the loan. For you – many people are in a better position in their lives and whether they acknowledge it or not – I know you always do these without hesitations and without wishing anything back for yourself.

Also – I love you for being such a caring family man. I don’t know why you always wait for me and Raaida to sleep first before indulging yourself into a night’s rest. I know you love me without any condition and without seeking anything. I know when it comes to me, my family and my friends – you give from the heart and treat them like your own. Something I still need to learn from you.

I love you for being a supportive partner in my daily life too. Most men can love their wives but not many can live it every day. You – however live up to it most days… Unlike most women I never complain about house chores, cooking for family or looking after our child. And everyone around us knows why…

I love you for being the wonderful father you are. Once again most men can father children but not many can be relied upon completely and utterly to look after a baby or an infant without the supervision of the mother! I love you for giving me that freedom… I love you for giving me the option to go wherever I want for however long I want without feeling guilty or concerned because I know I am leaving her in the best possible hands ever.. In most times even better than my own!

I love you for trusting me like no one else. You always have faith in me and you are always the one smoothing out my self-doubts and giving me that boost of confidence. Whether it is professional life or personal matters – you trust me fully; and I love you for that.
Not many men will like it if their wives go off to a different country to meet their old ‘male’ friend or if they talk about their ‘new biker boyfriend’ when they come back from a foreign trip. Whilst other gasps and looks at me in horror when I goof around on such topics – you smile at me with that sign of confidence that makes me love you even more!

I love you for all the surprises and randomness you fill my life with. Whether it is a plant that grows to say you love me or the personalised romance novel with our names on it – you always manage to shower me with thoughtful gifts. You know how branded, showy and expensive gifts hold no meaning to me and how such little gestures of love warms my heart. Whether it is the midnight trip to Paris or the long drive at 4 am to get masala tea, to see the first snow, Christmas lights or moon light– I know with you my life, it will never be ‘boring’; and I truly love you for bringing such freshness in my life.

I love you for being my best travel partner too. Together we have travelled to over twenty odd countries in the last decade and I sincerely believe the world does seem better when I am with you.

I also love you for loving me like no one ever has. You make me feel special, lovely and perfect even when I am totally not!! But I guess that is what love is anyway..

The thing is … I don’t think I can ever list all the reasons ever!!

So I am going to just finish off here by saying that – I LOVE YOU for being just ‘YOU’.

You are the reason why my simple life has become special every day and I sincerely thank Allah for blessing me with you.

Once again …I Love you Shuyeb And Happy Valentine’s Day!

I feel guilty!!

The last two days in Nairobi has been amazing and crazy! After the humble and modest lifestylr in Kitale for 2 weeks I am now back in the city life of Nairobi and it is really making me guilty!!

Maybe for many it is not much… but I have actually spent over $500 US dollars in the last two days just visiting places like elephant orphanage, giraffe centre, Masai village, kajuri beads factory and a few game drives in Nairobi national park and Lake Nakuru lake parks.. not to mention the usual shopping, eating and tipping :(.

And I feel terrible, terrible and just terrible!

I don’t know why – spending so much money on touristy things, staying in a decent (I don’t do 5 stars when I travel alone) hotel and eating in restaurants are now making me think of the street kids I have seen and left behind in Birunda!

It’s not that I have never seen poverty and street beggars below..because common I am from Bangladesh after all! But honestly this is in a complete different level! And unless you have experienced it first hand in African countries you will never really know what I am talking about here…

So.. as I was saying .. everything is making me feel rather self conscious and crazy guilty!

I know soon this feeling will mellow down and I will be back to my old life of taking many things for granted but still I think travelling does change your morality!

Check the link below and you will know what I mean..

https://nymag.com/scienceofus/2017/01/how-traveling-to-a-foreign-country-can-make-you-less-moral.html

Honestly…. I am not sure what is right and what is not.

I don’t wish for gold, branded clothes, shoes or bags.. I don’t care for posh cars or big houses (sorry .. that is a lie .. I DO want a big house :p) but only want to see the world!

I ask myself…Should I stop travelling (the only reason why I am forever poor) and give my savings to the people in need always?

But then, this world is so immensely beautiful that no matter where I go, I am left in awe and in need for more… every single time!!

Whoever said it – is right..  Travelling is indeed like a drug!!

This afternoon I was on a game drive in Nakuru and I was  constantly thanking Allah for all the amazing creatures and scenarios He has made around the world! I thanked Him for giving me the opportunity to be where I was at that moment of time – sharing the land with those wild beasts! And also for all the wonderful places He has taken me in the past.

I feel so utterly grateful to Allah for letting me see atleast a few of his million natural miracles – that I don’t really know whether I should have this guilty feeling for spending money on seeing the world or not!!

Day 10 – Ten days of solitude…

So officially my 10 days with CRK is now over!!!

And it’s been 14 days since I have last cuddled with my husband and my daughter. The anticipation of going back in the arms of my family next week, fills my heart and soul with a warmth that I can not describe in words.

Yet….I will admit… that I will miss living on my own too.

For the last two weeks – I kind of made a routine for myself. I went to work, came back, cooked something simple for myself while blogging.. But the only thing I was really looking forward to every evening was to get in bed with a book!

With the mad rush of my day to day life in UK, it was not really possible to zone myself into a proper reading habit every day. However in Kitale – it’s been ideal! The peaceful environment, the lack of human noise and disturbance made my reading ten fold pleasureable..

I finished 6 books in 2 weeks .. (not bad considering I have been working evenings to get a few things finished for CRK and of course trying my hand with this blogging thing…)

Ultimately what I am trying to say is .. this time spent away from family and friends have given me the space I often crave for… it has given me some time to think about many things .. and some time to think about nothing!

I love my family to bits but I love my own company too…

I was truly content to live in solitude with a few books and some good musics. And will cherish the last 2 weeks not only for the people and friends I have made around in Kitale but also for the alone time it has given me..

As much as I look forward to being in Nairobi tomorrow and then back to UK next week.. I will definitely look back to my 10 days of solitude with fulfilment.

Day 9 – Stronger and better…

So as you can tell.. instead of buying a posh handbag  or that sparkling pair of shoes .. I used my savings to come to Kenya and to spend two weeks with Child Rescue Kenya.

Ofcourse I respect your decision to do anything you want with your own money! But let me tell you why I chose to do this instead of another normal holiday trip to a beach destination.

In a nutshell – it was to challenge myself- one more time….

To prove to myself that if needed and if required – I can cross oceans to go to a different country in a different culture and yet do something productive and useful. And above all -to prove that even an ordinary person like me can make some difference somewhere in the world.

As we are growing up in our lives – we face many challenges. Like – passing those awful board exams, getting the right marks to get to the desired college/university, winning someone’s heart, making that special person your own, learning to swim, drive, playing guitar or football…. the list is absolutely countless…

Then once we hit our late twenties and early thirties – the challenges we face changes…

The challenge of getting a job, settling in with your partner, buying a decent house and a car, raising kids and what not…

But you know what? Amidst these all – one day will come when you will realise that even though many years have surpassed and you have overcome many hurdles .. you really haven’t challenged yourself to your maximum.

It is really very easy to get into that low-risk and easy rhythm of life once you achieved the structured and socially accepted challenges…..

The monotonous and safe cycle of : Office – home – weekend – office – home – weekend..and maybe an odd vacation now and then…

I am not saying that it is bad; or not good enough; by any means. But is it really adequate and enough?

Just think… why does most of us stop pursuing new challenges after a certain age? There are millions of exceptions I know.. but yet there are many more millions of us who are just happy to stay within that low risk easy life cycle I mentioned earlier.

Just like most people I faced many challenges in my life too. And some challenges were harder than others and without doubt shaped me to be who I am today.

Staying mentally strong and focused on the future after my father’s sudden death was a big challenge to me. Not many people know what inner demons I fought to come to terms with that tragedy.

Or how hard it was for me to focus back into my life and studies when I got my heart broken for the first time…

Sometimes it is easy to think that physical challenges are the hardest- like climibing Mt Everest or swimming across the oceans. Yes I fully appreciate the dedication and endurance it takes to undertake such challenges but nothing can compare to the mental blocks and challenges we face in our lives everyday.

As I was saying – I think challenging myself is important for my self growth. Personally it feeds my soul. It makes me happy with myself.

After my father’s death – coming abroad to pursue higher studies was a challenge. Settling in a new job in a new culture within a new country was a challenge. Pursuing my professional qualifications while being heavily pregnant was a challenge …

Each time I started a new job or a new role in my professional life has been challenging too.  For instance each time I have made a mistake or each time I have asked a colleague a question… I knew I was growing.

I knew I was learning and getting stronger. I was not stuck in a job where I knew everything about .. each new task, new responsibility was shaping me into a better, more learned me..

And now… coming to Kenya was a challenge too.. a challenge which is sadly coming to an end..

Tomorow is my last day in Child Rescue Kenya and I am truly amazed how much I have learned in the last few days..

Apart from the work aspect – I have come to learn a lot about myself too.

I know my limitations (English toilet only please! ) and also my other strengths …

And the satisfaction of knowing these …have been worth thousand times more than the experiences I have gained from my other holiday trips..ever!

Now that my current challenge to myself is almost accomplished..

I know exactly what my next challenge to myself will be once I am back from Kenya..(if my husband is reading it I am sure he is already sweating and most probably swearing under his breath )

Let me know if you would like to know about that too..and I will maybe blog that journey too..

The bottom line is – No matter how old I am and what I face in life – I hope I can keep on proving to myself that with each challenge I will be stronger and better! And nothing is quite impossible for me…

err.. except maybe stroking the big cats when I am in Nairobi National park next week or the small cats when I am back to UK!!

 

Day 8 – Go ahead and hate me….

If you walk down any street in London (or any cosmopolitan city for that matter) and count how many ladies are carrying an ‘exclusive’ luxury handbag … fake or real… I think you will be rather surprised and realize how non-exclusive it has become these days!!

It seems to me that all the ladies I know either own a MK bag of some kind and/or has  a pair of Jimmy Choo somewhere in her shoe rack..

So basically it gives me the feeling that having a luxury logo is not really a luxury anymore but more of a common place requirement to belong to a certain socioeconomic group, to prove that you are part of the modern world success group and to show the world your achievements.

I am pretty sure that a promotion often means treating yourself to $700 Louboutins these days and expecting a $1400 Prada bag from your husband is no great expectation either.

Now, don’t be fooled into for a second that the male population is spared from this bug..

You wear a Rolex? Think you have earned it with your own success and money? Got a brand new BMW, Audi or a Mercedes to show off? My darlings.don’t fret….you are equally contaminated with the ‘irrational’ disease of luxury branding 🙂

We all know that people don’t behave rationally all the time, and considering the enormous debts the citizens of first world countries have, consumers clearly don’t always act in their best financial interests. Luxury goods are a great example of how irrational we can be; a decent and sturdy handbag can be purchased for $50, yet people will still spend thousands to buy a logo. Why? No wonder the global demand for luxury goods is strong and rapidly growing, with over $200 billion in annual sales each year!

So why are  you all willing to pay extra for a brand? The jewelry in my store might be as beautiful and as well made as the branded names, yet customers will walk past my store to shop for branded merchandise at a store down the street, sometimes paying more for a product no better than the one I carry. A solitaire is a solitaire, but put it into a powder blue-colored box and suddenly it has added value. Why?

I think here’s a few reasons –

1) Wearing branded merchandise sets you in a specific economic category, a certain rung on the socioeconomic ladder. It tells others where you are on the economic scale. There is a certain pecking order in society and wearing branded merchandise tells those with whom you come in contact that you are in a lower group, the same group or a higher socioeconomic group than they are, depending upon the prestige and price point of the items worn.

2) It allows you to feel as though you fit into society and belong to the group. Humans aren’t solitary animals any more than monkeys are. Wearing similar and familiar brands helps you to relate to others in the group and feel a part of something larger than ourselves.

3) There is, of course, the sense of  pride of ownership. Everyone wants to own beautiful and well-made things, and branded merchandise tends to be of high quality. There is a sense of pride when you walk up to the three-pronged hood ornament that decorates your shiny Mercedes. Each time you shut the car door and hear that classic “thud” it gives you the sense that you have purchased a well-made machine. Every morning when you get up and slip that stainless steel and gold watch over your hand and hear it snap solidly onto your wrist, you take a moment just to appreciate its art.

4) Branding takes the thinking out of a purchase. When a man goes shopping for his wife and he knows she likes a certain brand, he doesn’t have to think any further than the brand name. Anything that has that particular name on it will please his wife. Our society has turned over thinking to the few designers who rule our fashion world. Individuals no longer think about what is good design or bad; if it has some well-advertised name on it, it must be good. It’s gotten to a point that you now wear sweaters with names across the front and no design at all.

So really… what does that make you? What are you becoming?

Shouldn’t you try to free yourselves from this unnatural and irrational phenomenon? Or you think staying enslaved in the world of luxury  brands and looking all posh and pretty and classy is better?

Go ahead… hate me for pointing it out to you.

But before you go – can you maybe spare the change from your luxury purchase below????

https://www.globalgiving.org/projects/food-education-orphan-children-hiv-aids-rights-home/

Day 7 – Fifty Shades Darker…

Yesterday my mom gave a me midnight call…. (Well.. midnight for me..but 3 am for her!)

Me and my mom normally talk every lunch time – even if for two seconds – but due to the time difference and my commitments in Kenya it is rather difficult to continue that routine.

Anyhow, so she called me, and we caught up on everything and everyone. She asked me about my work, my lodge, the food and all…. (being the mother ofcourse…)

So when I told her I am spending a lot of time outside in the sun and taking the motorbike to and back from work each day  she teased me that I will be so tanned that I will be as dark as the locals…

I laughed and said I am rather glad that I am blending in so well..

But it really got me thinking… how the perception of skin colour is different in various cultures and societies…

Now let me remind you .. I am a simple person with very limited brain capacity. All big controversies and issues around the world like race, religion, politics etc are usually beyond me..

Even English is too complex for me! And I find it difficult to get my head around English words..

For instance I don’t really understand how the word ‘light’ or ‘fair’ got it’s positive connotation from, whereas somehow ‘black’ or ‘dark’ ended up  with negative meanings associated with it.

We say things like “Black magic” to refer to something bad… whilst “White” is all about light, goodness, innocence, purity, and virginity. It is considered to be the color of perfection. White means safety, purity, and cleanliness. As opposed to black, it is a positive word.. 🙁 But did you ever wonder why?

I am no linguist and have limited knowledge about this but I still think somehow it is such usage of words in languages that has  given birth to racism. Or could it be the other way round?

Darker people are being considered inferior to the fairer ones and I wonder could it simply because of the words used to represent? Statics prove how the standard of living and pay scales can differ based on skin colour only!

Racial, gender wage gaps persist in U.S. despite some progress

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/money/2016/feb/01/pay-gap-black-white-uk-workers-widens-more-qualifications?client=safari

https://money.cnn.com/2015/11/24/news/economy/blacks-whites-inequality/

I know nowadays there are campaigns like “dark is beautiful and all that.. but why are we even needing these campaigns in the first place?

Why is colour a factor in determining a person? And how, when and why did ‘black’ became inferior , ‘white’ superior and ‘brown’ just mediocre?

So as I was saying earlier.. that conversation with my mum left me thinking all these and more…

Will me becoming few shades darker in the sun will mean anything to anybody??

I am pretty sure I live in an environment and among people to whom it will not matter at all.

I am guessing that most  people will not even notice.. Or maybe someone will notice it and will wonder…how ‘dark’ Rubaiyat is now!!!

But have I really gone ‘dark’ or is it ‘light’??

You look at my skin and you see a darker Rubaiyat.  But look again… into my heart and my soul… what do you see? Looking within myself I see more light…I have found more light in this darkness than many other places.

I am dark so I am enlightened…I am dark so I am now privileged and experienced. I am now better… with the knowledge of  a new country, new culture, new people, new working environment and also a new me – who knows she can adopt to any changes and with anyone around her…

So when you see me next – I wonder whether you will see the darkness or the light within?

Remember that the word ‘dark’ is not necessarily dark….  Within this darkness hides a lot of ‘light’….

Today I am 50 shades darker.  And yet 100 times lighter….

Day 5 – Sorry Tesco for cheating!!

I can’t believe it will be Friday tomorrow and I will have completed the first week of my placement in CRK!

When you are working towards a greater cause you are driven to change the world and move mountains. But in reality nothing like that happens. All good and sustainable things takes time to be built.. whether a good home, a business or a simple accounting process.

I am on track with my work load in Child Rescue Kenya – but then Eric and I are both pragmatic and conversative accountants 😉 who know that in two weeks there’s only so much we can review and implement.

Saying all that…at this point I will cheat and say .. Every Little Helps!!!

(Sorry Tesco for cheating and using your slogan) but you know what?  It is sooooo true!!  Every Little step does help to move things towards the right direction and achieve that ultimate goal. Whether is it work, studies, passion, personal improvement .. start small but carry on .. never give up and that will indeed take you where you want to be..

Initially I thought I am a nobody… and what help can I offer to CRK? .. but the colleagues here are so friendly, grateful and appreciative that I realise that even a little recommendation I am offering is being taken with respect and sincerity. I am only the beginning of the change in CRK and my little effort is only getting the wheels in motion – which must not stop.

I urge you to do something good today.. no matter how small….

Doesn’t matter whether you are a doctor, teacher, dancer, singer, dietician, chef, engineer or a boring accountant like me!

We can all help in little ways and every little does help!!

Go to a remote village and cook for some famished street kids if you are a chef, teach how to dance and sing if need be – so that kids on the roads are involved and not diverted to drugs. If you are a doctor or a engineer – fix someone or something! We can all do our own bits and we must do it!

Never understate or underestimate yourself. (I am usually guilty of this).

You might not be a superpower compared to many..but remember somewhere someone will always appreciate your little gesture  if you offer your services and skills for a good cause.

And as the saying goes .. one more time… “Every Little helps!!!”

 

 

Nervous flyer…

In the last twelve months I had more than twenty four takeoffs and landings .. but each time I had been all sweaty, anxious to the point of a nervous breakdown

I get irrational thoughts of dying in such a claustrophobic helpless space!!

And if you are anything like me .. then maybe even the following dos and don’ts most probably will not serve its purpose..

https://fearofflyingschool.com/8-mistakes-made-by-nervous-fliers

https://familyglobetrotters.com/15-tips-nervous-flyer/

But hey .. no harm in trying….

Please do keep in your prayers because I want to come back to my baby in one piece!!

I am not lucky!

 

Sometimes I am told that I am rather lucky to have a husband who happily looks after our daughter when I am travelling on my own. I personally think that it is rather silly! What does luck have to do anything with it?

Surely in this modern time and age – parenthood should be shared 50/50 and a woman doesn’t have to termed ‘lucky’ only because daddy has the child/children for a few days or weeks on his own?!

I know of families where the father- being the bread winner- stays away for months and years at a time and it is the mother who is left with the kids without any Oohs..Aaahs and Issh.. Does any of you call that man lucky? I am sure you don’t..

Hence I am not really sure why I am lucky!!

I know a mother is a mother .. but surely a father can be a father too! You only need to think objectively and understand parenthood and just just motherhood..

The first time I left Raaida alone with daddy was when she was 7 months for 9 days. Since then I have travelled to numerous destinations without my family for work and pleasure.

I am sure some people (maybe mostly women than men) will judge me for being a careless, selfish mom but does it matter? Not really…

Each time I leave my now four year old behind. I tell her to look after daddy as much as daddy will look after her. I love her unconditionally and sometimes I think being away from her now and then makes her appreciate me more.

I believe she is learning not to take her mother for granted. She is learning that mummy is entitled to go about doing her own business and things for her own pleasure without feeling guilty about it just as much as daddy.

And above all- she is learning that when she is a mother she will not have to feel 100% responsible for her children all the time and will definitely not have to sacrifice her dreams and wishes just because she didn’t get ‘lucky’…

 

 

 

Definition of adventure…

Oh! How the definition of adventure changes with age, time and era….

As per Oxford Dictionary – it is ‘An unusual and exciting or daring experience’ (definition)…..so for my four year old it is feeding the ducks or jumping up and down in a muddy puddle. And for my thirty four year old self..well…. I am not really sure anymore…..

Remember how adventurous you felt when you walked to the corner store on your own for the first time when you were maybe nine? Or when you sneaked out of the house to meet your first love in a clandestine date at sixteen? Glancing back to those moments  – I still get goosebumps.

Aging with time – the sense of adventure diminishes. Things, people, activities – everything becomes common place and regular. The chances of any event being ‘unusual’ or ‘exciting’ decreases. It seems that we loose the power of being in awe or be surprised.

Glacier climbing or sky diving….True examples of adventure? Or maybe swimming across the English channel? ….. maybe right….but I don’t believe for a single second that extreme thrill seekers are the only adventurers.

You know that girl who is walking the roads of the city looking for a job and sharing a bedsit in the women’s hostel? The one with oily greasy hair, worn sandals and sweaty upperlips? She is as much adventurous as the auburn haired girl in wetsuit…and sometimes maybe a bit more so……